Motives

This weekend I did a stint helping out with Red Frogs at a local University Residential College here in Adelaide. It was a hectic day with a morning of cleaning, followed by an afternoon spending time with a few new friends I just met then work and then a night at a Party with lots of alcohol, dancing and (thanks to our Red Frogs team) lots of sugar and other carbs. 

After the party, I ended up at my usual haunt on the beach at Glenelg. The process involved walking, meditating, praying, listening (to the ocean and to God) and rehearsing ideas for writing and for life in general. During that time I got reminded of a passage of the Bible I read recently which dealt with motivation and motives and decided I'll make this blog about that.

In Zachariah 7, God asks the people of Israel to look at their motives for what they do especially with regards to their religious acts as well as their service to the community. Basically God reminded the Isrealites that our motives and motivations need their sources to be switched around.

Motive and motivation are two words that are used interchangeably but in actual fact they are separate and distinct in their definition but at the same time, linked.

Motive is defined - An emotion, desire, physiological need, or similar impulse that acts as an incitement to action. (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/motive)
Motivation is defined as -  Something that motivates; an inducement or incentive. It has a sense of encouraging/moving/pushing someone into action. (http://www.englishforums.com/English/MotiveVsMotivation/bbgzxd/post.htm)

Simply, your motive is your reason for starting on a given path. Your motivation is what keeps you going when circumstances or your physical ability gives you reasons to give up.

 Motives

Our motives are usually internal and self serving. Following are some examples.
"Why are you donating to a charity?" - "To be able to claim it in my tax return."
"Why are you tithing?" - "So I can be blessed 10 fold," or, "So my finances are secure."
"Why are you helping out or volunteering with that group/church/charity/event?" - "So I can put it in my resume for community service."
"Why are you getting married?" - "So I can have someone to comfort me in times of lonliness."

These are all internal motives. God actually spoke to the people of Israel about this and indirectly to me as well, "was it really for me you were fasting? And even now in your holy festivals, you don't think about me but only for pleasing yourselves." (Zachariah 7 v 5b-6).

This is something God has begun challenging me about recently. Am I doing it for myself or for God/others? It's a tough call, and for every person it would be different. But for us, our motivation should be for others rather than ourselves. This in no way means that we don't expect a return for time invested in these acts. We will be able to claim things on tax, we will be blessed and taken care of, we will be able to add it to our resume, we will have someone to comfort you in those lonely times, but if those are your primary motives then eventually you will run out of anything to motivate you because it will become a drag on your spirit and you will find it a chore, a means to an end and the relationships will seem like a bitter pill.

One the other hand when you make the benefit of others and blessing others lives out of our wealth, then it becomes a better and more enduring motive for starting along a path. When your motive is to help people, you will start investing time in other people's lives. Giving them priority, getting to know their individual circumstances rather than just using a stencil format to deal with every single (unique) case that comes through the door or comes into your life. It is more enduring because every year you will face new challenges and struggles, new people, new situations. As long as your motive was to learn about all these challenges and face them, every year you serve will become a year of surprises.

This can also be applied to Business as well. When your motive for going into business is to make a profit above all else, then you will get customers who come to your business for one thing and one thing and leave. Your priority will become to sell your goods and services indiscriminately and you will find yourself coming up with ideas that employ a stencil format to cater to all customers and eventually doing business will become a drain.

Conversely, when you believe you have a product or service people want and need and look at your business as an opportunity to help and provide a solution to people's problems, your aim will be to get to know individuals and find out their individual circumstances and situations and come up with a solution that is best for their unique situation. This in effect will give you an opportunity to communicate your passion with more people, people will feel you are interested in their lives (which you naturally will be, because that would be your initial motive), and will return with more business, which in turn will bring in the profit that you would need to be able to run the business effectively with the bonus of having satisfied customers and staff and having the capacity to continue the business for a long stretch of time.

How to resolve motives

How do we get our motives changed from internal (what will I get out of this?) to external (how can I help others?)?

Prior to Committing
Some charitable organisations/churches require people to spend a period of time not doing any form of serving. Usually around 6 months or even a year. This is a good way of ensuring that the individual in question gets an idea of the culture of the group and feels the need to invest their time and energy into the group without expecting some kind of recognition. But the danger to this process is when the individual is left on their own during the period of non-service. When they are left on their own and not followed up or socialised, it usually leads to people leaving the group./business/relationship.

The best thing to do is get people involved in passive groups, such as meetings, gatherings of people in the same life stage as these individuals, teams helping during special one-off events or just attend events organised by the group. Giving them a mentor to guide them actively through their introduction. This is not mentoring in the traditional sense but more like chaperoning with coaching specific to mentoring about motives and capabilites they can invest in the group. Once the time period has passed and their motives have been checked, they can be intergrated into the group to help out and serve, which would result in a longer term commitment then if someone was put straight to work or if they were left on their own in the initial stages

In a work situation this would mean rostering them for standard hours with the general population of the workforce. Taking them on job-site tours and meetings with staff and giving them a mentor to monitor their progress on a regular basis using a personalised plan. (Some organisations perform this mentoring process but if the motives of the business itself are faulty, it ends up being a stencil format plan which in effect does not work).


 When planning to commit to a relationship it would mean communicating with them generically or with a group of people to check their motives. Get them involved in small ways but not allow to deep a connection to avoid a breakdown when things go wrong and it allows a new paradigm when motives are proven to be good and creates a step up in the relationship.

After you have Committed and Commenced

Some people suggest removing yourself from the activity if you know your motives are wrong or selfish. This is sometimes not a practical response. You can't just walk out of a relationship/marriage or business or leadership position if your motives for getting in that position are wrong. That would be a form of selfishness and cowardice and would show a lack of leadership and concern for those that rely on you in the process.

What I have found to be a good idea is to take some time out (maybe a weekend or a week if you can afford to) and detail (in writing) your actions and ideas and outline your motives for each idea. Write down what you do; your tasks; your responsibilities; and especially your future plans within your life/relationship/business/NFP group and figure out what your initial motive is. What was the reason you signed up for it? What was the reason you got married? Why are you pursuing that person? Why are you in that business? When you find a motive that is self serving, don't throw it out, because as humans, we have this natural bent to look out for number one. Instead, try to find a motive that is others-centred and focusses less on your own benefit. Then every time you perform that task, every time you speak to your spouse, every time you help a customer - remind yourself of your others-centred motive. This will slowly change your focus from being self serving and it will transform the way you work and live and make it more fulfilling. "As a man thinketh, so is he" - Proverbs 23:7.

Another good idea is to find someone to coach you. It could be a pastor, a counsellor, a friend, parent or a work collegue. The only requirements for a good coach would be:
1. They ask the honest questions and don't hide behind cliches.
2. They encourage you when you fail instead of putting you down for re-hashing old mistakes.
3. They motivate you to improve at each meeting.

Conclusion

Your motives are important for any activity, relationship, business or group you plan to invest you life, time and energy to. As human beings our natural motive setting is a self-centred, survivalist mode.
Now there is nothing wrong with survival. Nobody wants to be mistreated or used by someone else when they allow their motives to encourage them to give and invest in other people, so they look out for themselves, but a self-centred motive has limited reward. For a Christian, it means our reward is the recognition, or the pleasure or the profit. In Matthew 6 v 2 and 16, Jesus spoke about charity and prayer and fasting. In these two verses he mentions that when charity or giving and prayer and fasting is done for our own self-serving or own pleasure then "..they have received all the reward they will ever get" (v2) and "...that is the only reward they will ever get." (v16).

But when you look outside of yourself and make your motives about others it brings growth and blessing. "Judge fairly and honestly and show mercy and kindness to one another. Do not oppress widows, orphans, foreigners, and poor people and do not make evil plans to harm each other." (Zachariah 7v 9-10). This selfless life is basically a duplication of Jesus' motive. A motive that looked beyond himself to others, that wanted to serve others instead of himself, a motive that wanted to save mankind by sacrificing his own life and desires. I can assure you, check your motives, transform them, get someone to coach you as you progress through and you will find things starting to look up in your life. You will see healthier relationships, better service and results in your volunteering, greater profits and customer satisfaction in your business and also less need for motivating activities to "keep yourself going" in tough times. I will finish by quoting a passage from the book of Phillipians in the Bible. Chapter 2 v 3 -9 (AMP in www.biblegateway.com)

⁴ Let each of you esteem and look upon and be concerned for not [merely] his own interests, but also each for the interests of others.

⁵ Let this same attitude and purpose and [humble] mind be in you which was in Christ Jesus: [Let Him be your example in humility:]

⁶ Who, although being essentially one with God and in the form of God [^[b]possessing the fullness of the attributes which make God God], did not ^[c]think this equality with God was a thing to be eagerly grasped ^[d]or retained,

⁷ But stripped Himself [of all privileges and ^[e]rightful dignity], so as to assume the guise of a servant (slave), in that He became like men and was born a human being.

⁸ And after He had appeared in human form, He abased and humbled Himself [still further] and carried His obedience to the extreme of death, even the death of the cross!

⁹ Therefore [because He stooped so low] God has highly exalted Him and has ^[f]freely bestowed on Him the name that is above every name,

Catch you later
V-man
  

Message in a Bottle - Version 2

NOTE: Thought I'd try a different storyline with a similar intro and same character. It's a bit longer. Have fun reading this one. Will get more on here later on. Will post an update blog later in the week.
Cheers, Varun.

Message in the Bottle - Version 2

By: Varunesh Kumar

Josh always felt out of place in this world. Even though his mother was his real mother, he felt she was clueless as to who he was. He lived with his mum, his step-dad and his two step sisters, Jane and Carly. All his life he thought his the man living with him was his father but then his mother told him half the truth. At 16, he found out his father was actually his step-father. In 2012, at the age of 17, he started university and moved out of his mother’s home to settle down in a share-house in Glenelg with a group of guys from his school.

When he was not at University or working at Hungry Jacks, he was walking along Glenelg beach, taking in the sun and listening to the birds talking to each other and the ocean quietly lapping the shore. To Josh, it seemed like the beach was the only place he belonged. The only place he could call home and feel like he belonged. At the beach he was transported to another universe, even another time, where things are different. People can speak in a language that is foreign without learning another language. You could understand each other by thought or feelings, not even needing words to communicate. That is how he felt near the ocean. He could almost hear the ocean whispering to him, the birds calling his name and telling him secrets no human could.

His mother never really communicated with him. After the revelation, he had asked her so many times who his real father was. His mother could only muster those three words He used to use on them when he didn’t want to say anything.

“I don’t know”, she’d say.

Well, what was his name then? You should have gotten his name at least!” frustration boiled out through his vocal cords.

“John, I think. That’s the name he gave me.”

“Where’s he from?”

“I don’t know”

“What does he do?”

“I don’t know. I never asked.”  

The conversation reminded him of others he’d had before except with roles reversed. It frustrated him. The beach was where he could calm himself down and think. Where does he belong? Who is he? He always wished that someone would appear and just tell him what he was. Who he was. Where he belonged.

One day as he was walking along the same old trodden path along the beach, he noticed a bottle. It was just an ordinary bottle so it shouldn’t have caught his attention. In the middle of winter, bottles get left on the beach every day. What caught his attention was not that it was a bottle. What he noticed was that it was completely clean of any dirt and grime, like it was placed there just moments ago. More importantly, what made him notice it was that the bottle was the label. Clear as anything it read: FOR JOSH PHILIPS. It could have been for any Josh Philips. On the other hand, he was the only Josh Philips who walked along this track of beach almost every day.

He looked around; fear in his eyes, trying to find the person that put the bottle there. Finding no one, he then gingerly took the bottle in his hands and unscrewed the lid. Carefully slid out this note miraculously addressed to him. He opened it and read the words on the page in disbelief.

“Josh, meet me here at 5pm to meet your father. John”

So many thoughts ran through his head all at once, it made him dizzy. His mother had told him his real father’s name was John. Was this real? Was he really going to meet his father? And if he was then why this whole game with bottles and notes? Why doesn’t he just show up and meet the son he abandoned so many years ago?

Josh had half a mind not to come the next day, but curiosity got the better of him. At 5pm the next day, he found himself back at the same spot where the bottle was found. He waited for an hour wondering where his father was, getting angrier by the minute. Then suddenly he heard his voice.

“Josh?”

He turned and saw a 30-something looking man coming his way.He seemed too young to be his father. Could be his older brother since he looked like an older version of himself.

“Hey, John right?”

“Yes. Guess it’s too early to expect you to say dad,” he laughed softly.

“What’s your last name?” Josh asked.

“I can’t tell you that.” He replied.

“Why not?”

“Because I am not from around here. You may not understand if I told you.”

“Why’d you leave?”

“I had to. I only had a short amount of time here and I was called back.”

“Like in the army.”

“Yeah, something like that.”

“Why didn’t you call?”

“Well there weren’t necessarily any ways of communicating with you from where I was. That’s why I had to ask a friend to bring the bottle with the note along to beach and put it at this spot today.”

“Why?”

“I said I can’t tell you! You remember when they say, ‘It’s a matter of national security’ in the movies? Well this is one of those times. All I wanted to do was meet you and let you know that I am your real father. I can't stay long. I am only here for the day and my transport is leaving in an hour so I will have to meet it on time to leave.  

“But you just got here. We haven’t even spent time together, let alone talked about anything. You haven’t answered any of my questions.  This is insane!" he screamed, frustration boiling out of his veins.

I have to leave but you will meet me in 6 months. I may look a bit different but it will be me. Now I have to leave. I have to go back to meet at the rendezvous point...” He turned to start walking away.  

"Please come back! Why can't you stay? I need an explanation!”

Josh began running after this man who claimed to be his father. John picked up his pace. Almost at lightning speed, he disappeared into the distance before Josh could see where he went. Josh came to a panting halt crying, beating his head and shouting out towards John while swaying like a drunk man, disoriented and alone. 

Then for a second time in the same day, he noticed something in the sand. A thin black piece black metal. He picked it up. It looked very much like an Iphone but thinner and larger with no buttons whatsoever on it. He tapped the screen and suddenly a light came on. As the light settled and the screen cleared he could see what looked like an ID badge. John’s picture was on it, looking much younger than the man he saw. 

Underneath the picture were his details.

Name: John Bristol Philips  

 DOB: 11/07/2014

Occupation: Theoretical Physicist, Multi-Dimensional Crimes Dept., ASIO.

Year of Issue: 2035

Short Story: Message in a Bottle

NB: Just a really short story i wrote as a writing exercise.

Josh loves to walk down to the beach after class. At 17 he had just started his first year at Adelaide University. He wanted to spend a year exploring and travelling but his parents wanted him to continue studying. "Do something now so that when your exploring doesn't result in anything you can fall back on what you studied," they said. "You can explore the world when you retire". Since they were supporting him financially, he felt he really didn't have a choice, for now. Back to the classroom he went. The same boring classes. He aced his university classes just like he aced every class in high school. The only thing that gave him some joy was the ocean. 

But one day he was walking down the same stretch of beach he walked down everyday and he came across a bottle. An old bottle with brown stains all over it, covered in seaweed. As he picked it out of the sand he could see it had a note inside. Excited at the thought of treaure maps and secret messages, he hurridly opened the bottle and let the message slide out of the bottle. Gingerly he opened the note. It read,

"Please send rescue vessel. I was rescued by natives. God knows where I am. Living well so you can take your time coming to get me.
Harold Holt"

The Story So Far

Hey everyone
Just though I'd provide an update on what has been happening this year.

I did make a resolution at the beginning of the year to begin writing a novel by the end of the year. After many years of NOT fulfilling my well intentioned resolutions, I decided that this year I would make a concerted, strategic effort to fulfill this one. First thing I did was sign on as a student at a local Adelaide College called Tabor to study creative writing. Then I bought myself several books and notepads etc so that whenever I feel inspired I could write things down. So far the only time I felt inspired were at the beach or in an airport lounge. I also started this blog. A blog where I can submit my thoughts in a creative way for public scrutiny and consumption. Also a place where I could write to my hearts content any creative observations or stories I wish to share with the world.

Then I got my first inspiration for a novel. All I saw was a child standing in front of a house. The child is bleeding from a gash on his pale forehead as the rain and thunder create a brooding picture behind him. But he is not crying. Just staring straight ahead in a daze. The couple that opened the door have a concerned look on their face. It's the only thing I got as inspiration. This was 7 months ago. I tried to use my imagination to allow the story to continue in my head but it almost seemed like the movie had stopped and couldn't go on.

So I decided to put the idea on the backburner while focusing on other things. Spent some time developing my life by getting appropriate counselling. For anyone in Adelaide looking for good Christian Counselling, Life Design on Goodwood Road is excellent. You can get 35 dollar sessions from students from Tabor who are studying to further their knowledge in counseling through a graduate diploma.Aside from this, there are also more qualified counselors who charge anywhere between 50 and 100 dollars for singles or couples, if you're looking for more strategic help and direction. And for Tabor students we get to see the Graduate counselors for 10 bucks :P

Other than this I have been trying to figure out what my life and purpose is all about. Trying to invest myself in things that I feel matter in the grand scheme of things. I tried to also move on from past relationship breakdowns and failures to build a future that is more powerful than my past could ever have been. I've been slowly growing and developing in my faith, friendships as well as in my clarity of thought about the great things I want to do in society. Every person should have a dream to do something great and awesome and for some it may mean giving your life for that thing, literally. Dr Martin Luther King Jr had a dream where life would be fair for all Americans, not just the whites. His dream resulted in his death before the actual fulfillment of his dream. Nelson Mandela had a dream to have a united South Africa and the abolition of Apartheid. He is still alive but his every breath and energy is towards making that dream come to pass. I also have dreams like that but it is hard trying to fulfill them when there's no one to stand beside you. I almost feel like I am in exile like Mandela was and I won't get to fulfill some of those dreams till I am released from this prison. But I also know that there are others out there who continue to do what I hope to do someday in other areas and nations and someday I will be allowed to join them in freeing the captives and bringing hope to a new generation.   

During this whole time, I haven't really written that much in terms of the novel but I can't believe that from an image of a couple opening their front door at night in the middle of the storm and seeing a child outside their door with a blank stare on his face and a bleeding cut on his forehead, I've gotten an idea from an entire novel now. All I did was go to the beach at 3am in the morning on one of those sleepless mornings, and just sat  in the freezing cold tidal wind. Sat for about 20 mins writing out what I had gotten so far in terms of understanding the start of the story. While I was there, two young teens came up and started talking to me. I asked them what they were up to. They replied that they were exploring and finding people to talk to because they couldn't be bothered going home. We continued to talk and, when they saw my journal with "Jesus" emblazoned on the cover they started asking me about Jesus and miracles and how the story I am writing seems to resemble his life. The boys went on their merry way, but I got my final inspiration. I found the ending.

Basic Synopsis of the novel I intend to write.
"When we look at the miraculous as a threat to our way of life, we become defensive and we try to destroy it so we can keep the status quo and keep doing things in the same, old, normal mundane way. But when we acknowledge that miracles can happen and allow to affect our lives by acknowledging and accepting the God who performs miracles, we find a life that is awesome beyond measure. Things begin to happen that are beyond our control and imagination, all because we allowed the miracle worker to enter our lives."

cheers
V-man

Choices

On the 11th of July I celebrated my 29th birthday.
Made me think about a few things.

Firstly, I am growing old. Older than some not as old as others. I am no longer a teenager so I can't afford to live like one. I have to begin looking at my choices I make in life and how I respond to things. A mature outlook on life and a need to live life extravagantly. I can still be young at heart though. The moment I start considering myself too old for things is the day I become redundant to the world. The fact that I am alive means I have a purpose. I have a destiny and a future.

This is time for me to make the choices that matter. Choices form a part of every life. Even as a Christian, life is a constant series of choices. Some people think that once you make a decision at church and say a little prayer, that all of a sudden everything changes. All of a sudden all your problems are gone or all your worries have been lifted. Oh, how many hours we have spent in my extended family among cousins and uncles discussing this theological dilemma.

That fact of the matter is, life is filled with choices and we need to make a choice everyday. Even a drug addict had made a choice NOT to choose to get clean and allow his addictions to make a choice for him. A large person (such as myself :D ) makes the choice everyday, either to go for a walk or run, or to sit in the house imagining himself a better looking person. Everyone makes a choice everyday to either hit the snooze button and grab a little bit of sleep and potentially end up missing a day of work or to wake up as soon as the alarm goes off to take advantage of all life has to offer (I am still in the process of making this decision easier in the morning). To go on that hike or to go to the movies. To go to the city or to go to the country. To resign from a job or to stay in the job hoping for a promotion. All decisions that we have to deal with day by day by day. It never ends, never subsides. Even when you don't make a choice you still are making a choice.

Why is it that we accept that the world is filled with choices and take them for granted but when it comes to our beliefs and faith we feel that somehow someone else will make the decisions for us?

I have met people who ask God to take their addictions away, choose their life partners, help with their financial situation, etc, but they forget there are choices to be made.

When I made a decision to follow God a long time ago, I was just like that. I felt that someone else will do the choosing for me now. As a result I ended up allowing things to happen that I felt were out of my control but was actually always within my control. Recently I came to realise that my faith depended on my decisions, as much as my financial situation and my life depended on my decisions.
When  made a decision again to follow God, I also made the decision to make that decision everyday. This time, things have changed. Yes I have still faltered in some instances, but I have also found greater success. I made a decision everyday to look at sexuality as something that is sacred rather than a trivial matter. Something that was made for marriage to solidify two souls into one.
I made a decision to look at my finances as an opportunity to be responsible with my money. Putting God first (10%) I found that all else I needed was provided for.
I made a decision that I would live life postiively. To live in such a way that I don't regret past decisions but make decisions to make my future brighter.

I'm still learning and loving and hoping but one thing I have found is when a CHOICE is made to follow God's way rather than our own way, God takes our small efforts and makes them great. God takes my sacrifice of giving him the part of my life that deals with intimacy and God honours me by giving me a bliss that doesn't require me to go down that road till I am married. He brings friends and confidants that encourage me and build me up to look towards the future with hope knowing that even if I never get married, I will be more than satisfied with the God I serve and the love I feel when I am praying or meditating or worshiping or serving in the community or just spending time with friends who trust in this same God.

It's a journey to learn and adapt. To make a choice is difficult but when you do, it makes life more enjoyable.
Spiritually speaking, God, like any father that creates a child, knew that we'd stuff up before we even started. Why? Because he didn't want blind obedience and he didn't want control. He wanted us to make a CHOICE to be with him. So he gave us free will. He already knew that with this free will, we WILL make mistakes, we WILL do selfish things, we WILL accept destructive patterns of life. He knew that because of free will, because of CHOICE, we would never come close to being accepted into his presence, so he provided a way in Jesus so we can go to God through Jesus Christ. God basically made a way. So now the laws in the Bible don't apply to us as a means of getting into heaven. It was never about that. Now it is about how we live life. Just like the sacrificed animals were a reflection of Jesus as the one and only sacrifice for the whole world past, present and future. The laws and punishments in the old testament were also symbolic. Doesn't mean we live under the old testament laws and we stone people if they don't obey. It means we make a choice. We live according to the guidelines of the bible and life feels better. If we fail once or twice, it no longer means we are condemned to hell. Jesus makes sure we don't need to go there. But when we make a lifestyle of negative choices then we end up with Spiritual death. Not just in the hell in the afterlife, but the hell in this world. How many people have lived a life of wrong choices and speak of lives completely destroyed, families broken apart, finances wasted on things that don't matter. This is just the effect of spiritual death. Now this doesn't mean that if you have a broken family or financial strife or have trials and turmoil in your life that you're spiritually dying, Not always the case. But the result of choices made that don't bring honour to God results in a deadening of the soul. But with God and the life he brings there is not only the eternal life after this one but a liveliness of your spirit while you are alive in this world. A joy that even when you make a decision to follow God and CHOOSE to live for him at the age of 30,  the rest of your life can be many times better than the first 30 years of your existence.

Take care
V-man

PS. By Wednesday I hope to have my second short story written, called "Whispers in a Cafe".

Short Story: A Missed Opportunity

By Varunesh Kumar

There are many stories about people who lived a very structured life for years on end. Eating the same food; taking the same bus route; going to the same mundane job; going home to the same afternoon routine then return to the same bed. It never changes or deviates. It is a comfortable life. No challenges, no stress, no expansion of their world or their understanding.

Then with one simple change in their schedule, a minute deviation, their whole life changes for the better. They find purpose and hope and joy. Some even find new love.

Well this is NOT one of those stories.  

John Graves was an ordinary man.  He grew up in a middle class family in the southern side of Adelaide. He was born to an English father and a Japanese mother. He inherited the brains from his mother and his physique from his father. Every day he wished this fact had been reversed, but his wish never came true. He was still a slightly stocky yet good looking, slightly balding young man which made him very self-conscious around women.  Because of this he never heard the whispers of “Isn’t he cute! I just want to rub that cute bald head of his all night!”, or “He seems like a nice, stable guy. Wonder if he’ll ever ask me to dinner”.

To compensate for his lack of social skills and lack of Extra-Sensory Perception, he delves into the world of numbers. He works as an accountant in the city looking at figures all day. Multi-billion dollar corporations come to him for bookkeeping work due to his excellent ability to read and interpret numbers and bring his clients a good result. He earns a half a million dollars a year as a result but has nothing to spend it on. His house is his own, inherited when his parents both died in a car crash. He does not have any hobbies. He does not drink or socialise or make small talk with the neighbours he sees. 

There’s Mr Roberts on the left. A war veteran, living alone. On the right is a family consisting of Mr and Mrs Carlile and the boy. Across the road lives someone he’s been interested in for years. Jenny Sharp is someone who always smiles at him.

“Hi”, she always called out waving.

All he could do is stop, smile then keep walking. Her nurse’s uniform betrayed a lovely figure and her blonde hair was always hiding her eyes from strangers. Yet for him, she always allowed her full face to show.   

 He always wished he could say something back. He was never taught by his parents how to talk to girls. He couldn’t go across and say hi, so he kept walking. Not saying a word to the woman he thought was the most beautiful in the world. All he could focus on was work, which kept him going.

                                                                        *

Every morning, he woke up. Showered. He also brushed his teeth to the point of whiteness, which kept him out of the dentists’ surgery. He had jam on toast with a cup of tea. Then he walked out the door to his front footpath being careful not to get hit by passing cars. He’d never been to the emergency room and did not intend to go anytime soon.

 Looked across the road to hear Jenny shout and wave, “Hi”, stands frozen to the spot and smiles, then gets into the next bus express to the city that arrives at his doorstep one minute later.

Then he would get off the bus on Gouger Street and walk across the road to his office on King William Street. He would greet the receptionist with a nod and walk into his room and work the day away, never coming out except to relieve himself and to get a drink of water.

In the afternoon he would walk back to the Gouger Street get on the bus and sit quietly with his bag on his lap till he reached his doorstep. Once inside he would shower, make himself a cup of tea, settle down to watch a movie as he ate his microwave meal. No one cooked him a meal. He never had any reason to. One person is never enough to cook for.

*

It was on one of these ordinary days that things did not go as planned.

 It seemed like just another typical day. Waking up in the morning and having his shower he went through his usual routine expecting another typical day in his life to continue. But this was a different day. Fate had decided to throw the dice and see how the results would entertain him.

 John finished his meagre breakfast and washed the dishes before going to the door to step out, not knowing what lay before him would change his outlook on life. As he walked out instead of seeing the blue sky and the trees and Jenny Sharp, all he could see was a bus advertising the next blockbuster movie right outside his doorstep.

“Pssshhh”, the door closed as the bus started to move away.

He Shouted, “No, I can’t be late!”, as he ran after the bus, trying hard to get the drivers attention but it kept moving further away as he ran behind it waving his arms like a crazy man. 

After the bus had well and truly gone, all he could now do was catch his breath as he huffed and puffed with his hands on his thighs and wait for the next bus to arrive. During the night, an electrical storm had passed through the city causing havoc with all electrical equipment in the houses. His alarm clock, Jenny’s clock radio had all had their time moved back by 5 minutes making everyone late. Surprisingly Mr Roberts was not outside in his usual spot in the garden. He happened to have a pacemaker, but John had not the time, nor the inclination to find out what really happened. Then he saw Jenny running out of her house late like he had been. While she was fumbling with her keys, pushing her hair back to see properly while trying to make sure she had everything she needed for work, she looked and saw John and all he could do was stand frozen to the spot. He could not talk, could not run, he could not jump into a passing bus. All he could do was stand there with the cheesy grin on his face.

As soon as she saw him she stopped what she was doing and started walking quickly towards him while saying, “John, I know we’ve been neighbours for a while, but i needed to ask you something, please?”

The only words that came out of his mouth was, “Ok”.

“I was wondering”, she continued, “If you wanted to come to dinner tonight?”.

Here he was standing in front of the woman of his dreams being invited to dinner and he was speechless. He couldn’t even make the usual noises one makes when they’re unable to speak or decide. He just stood there frozen, unable to speak.

Then out of the blue the next bus arrived right behind Jenny and quick as a flash he picked up his case and ran for the bus, shouting back, “I have to go to work! I’ll let you know later!”.    

As he sat down in his seat, he was keenly aware of his traveling companions staring at him with angry looks and looking outside to see a disappointed and dejected jenny walking back to her car. He could not believe that the day he had wish would arrive all these years had come and gone and all he could do was grin and run for the bus. How much of a coward had he become? Is this what would convince a woman to want to spend a few hours during dinner with him let alone a whole lifetime?

All the way to Gouger Street, all he could think about was how stupid he had been, but understanding the deed had been done and there was no way to go back and salvage the situation. He had disappointed the woman of his dreams and now he will spend the rest of his life alone.

As he stepped off the bus at his usual spot, he could not stop beating himself up about his frozen state when the perfect opportunity had arrived. “All I had to do was say YES! Why couldn’t I even say that much? I am so stupid!”, he said as he slapped his forehead with an open palm.

He continued to do this as he hurried to cross the road towards his office. If this were any other day or time he would have taken care, but he was late and was in distress. So much that he failed to notice the light turn green while he was rushing across, or the blaring horns of 3 cars bearing down on him till he suddenly came back into the real world and turned to look and suddenly, the world turned dark.

*

When he finally opened his eyes, it was blurry. A bright light over him and a ghost like figure speaking to him.

“John, John. Are you awake?”

The shadow turned to someone else saying, “I think he’s coming to. Go get the doctor”

Turning to him as he became more lucid she said “John, Are you ok?”

“What happened?”

She helped him up and fixed up the pillows behind him to make him more comfortable. “You were in an accident. A car ran into you and knocked you out. The driver called the ambulance and they brought you here to the emergency room”.

It was Jenny. She was her nurse. Thoughts ran through John’s head like a road train. “What did she think of the way I acted? Is she mad? How am I going to explain myself?”

All he could muster with his lips was, “Have to get back to work”.

“John, you’ve been in a coma for five days. There’s no way you’re going back to work. The doctor will be here soon to let you know how you’re doing but you have no chance of leaving here for at least another five till we’re sure you’re completely fine.”

“But I have work, I have bills to pay, clients to meet. It’s almost tax time and there will be a lot of work for me to do!”

“Relax John, your boss has been able to survive without you for the last few days. I don’t think another few days would hurt the business too much. If they really need you then visiting hours are from 5 till 9pm” She smirked as she checked his vitals and the equipment. “Comfortable?”

John resigned himself to the fact he was staying put for a while. “Yes” , he replied.

Jenny stayed in the room. She helped the doctor as he checked on him again and made sure that he was not suffering any major complications or injuries and left to see his other patients.

When they were alone John finally got the courage to speak clearly about that day. “I’m sorry for how I reacted when you asked me on the dinner date. I should have just said yes. I don’t know what came over me”.

The look of surprise on her face caught him off guard. “Dinner date? When?”

“The day of the accident. You asked me to come over for dinner. It’s just that I’ve been trying to get the courage up to say something to you for months but was never able to speak or even do anything.” He stammered on, “I know it all sounds stupid now but I could barely speak around you. I’m sorry for the way I reacted to your invitation. I panicked. I think you’re just amazing and you’re wonderful and I would like to be able to take you out to dinner and get to know you. Will that be ok?”

The silence was deafening.

Then she finally broke through the silence. “I’m so sorry, John.”

“What do you mean”

“Well when I asked you to come to dinner, I wasn’t asking you for a date.”

“Oh”

“I was actually asking you to come over so I could introduce you to a guy I’d been seeing for a couple of weeks. I wanted to ask your opinion of him. I thought that since you were a bystander in the neighbourhood, you’d give me your honest opinion on him. I’m very interested in settling down with him but I was looking for a second opinion to be sure. I guess I’m glad you never took me up on the offer. I wouldn’t have been able to explain you to each other.”

The term “tonne of bricks” didn’t seem to do justice to what John felt in that very long, lonely moment. He had wished for an opportunity to speak to Jenny for so long and when the opportunity finally arrived it was already too late. If only he had spoken up earlier. What if he’d waved back on those days when she waved at him in the morning? What if he had gone over and said something? What if he’d pretended to be sick and come to the hospital to see a nurse? A nurse named Jenny?

“I’m sorry I never asked earlier. I froze every time I saw you. All I really had to do was take the chance but I didn’t. The only person to blame for that is me.”

“That’s ok, John. Thank you for understanding. But I hope we can still be friends, hmmm?”.

“I guess..........Yes we definitely can be friends! I’d like that”.   

Jenny looked embarrassed by the whole situation. She turned and was about to leave him with his thoughts when she suddenly turned.

“John, don’t blame yourself. Fate has a way of playing games with us. We get opportunities to do great things and it’s up to us to take them or leave them. I was kinda hoping you would ask me out at some stage. You seem like a great guy. But after my mum passed away last month I realised I have to stop wasting time waiting for someone who won’t show up. Sorry John. I took my opportunity.”

Then she quietly turned and walked out of the room closing the door behind her.

All John could do is look at the door. Shut. Unyielding. Unfriendly. Just shut. Why didn’t he walk through it before it was shut forever? 

*

The Story So Far

Hello Everyone 

It's been a little more than 6 months since I came to Adelaide and about 3 months since I last put up a blog post. 

Things have happened in the past few months that have made life more interesting and in some ways exciting too. 

As some of you may know, I enrolled to begin studying towards a Graduate Certificate in Creative Writing at Tabor College. Tabor is a college that offers nationally accredited, HECS and AUSTUDY approved courses right from VET level to Nationally recognised Postgraduate and Doctoral studies in various fields including Education, Counselling, Philosophy and Creative Writing (among others). Being a college run by a conglomeration of Christian Organisations, their entire curriculum is based around a christian perspective and this is where they set themselves apart from the traditional University setting. You still have the freedom to write and discuss contentious issues (and I have taken advantage of this in some of my poetry), but there's also an encouragement to self sensor i.e. to determine for one's self the audience being written to and censor accordingly. 

I was doing two subjects in the first semester but due to work issues and lack of focus, I had to drop one subject to be able to focus more on one subject at a time. The fact is, I could have finished both and passed with mediocre assignments handed in. I've done in for the last 8 years and I could do it again, but I wanted this time to be different. I wanted to finish each subject knowing I had learnt something important and applicable to life and my future. 

As a part of my assessment I have also just finished my FIRST ever short story in classic Arthouse style. Though it has a tragic ending (tragic in the sense of a sad ending not in the sense that someone died, though they almost did). 2300 words worth the effort. :D

Speaking of Arthouse, I finally found the local arthouse cinema in Adelaide. It's called Palace Cinemas on Rundle Street. They even have cheese platters that can be taken into the movie! (I think? Well that is what the website seems to suggest. Will find out when I finally get there). It's going to be awesome to finally get to watch arthouse movies rather than the happily ever after fairy stories that is churned out by hollywood. Yes there is a place for happily ever after but there are also lessons to be learnt in the pain. The last movie I remember watching at an arthouse theatre was "The Help" and it was amazing. I need to watch a lot of those to catch up over the last few months of non-viewing. 

I was also baptised in May at Edge Church. My "Mommy and daddy church". I'm labelling churches now. :P

Edge was my "mommy and Daddy" church because it was where I was "Born" (baptised), it's where I got my foundations by listening to Danny and the team speak about life's challenges and how to live out my faith. It's where I have my big brothers and sisters who I can tease without getting beaten up. I have my uncles and aunts too who speak into my life and give me encouragement when I feel like life's beating me down. But then there's Empower Adelaide that's like my lover church :D I walked into the church and one look made me fall in love with the place. :P 

Up till now I've been able to serve both like any man would be able to love both his mother and his lover at the same time. But it's in this season that I have to decide who get's the preference. Am I going to be a momma's boy or will I go with the one I love. I do feel really at home with Edge but I also feel that I get easily lost in a big church like edge which is a bad thing while I am going through a phase of my life that requires  constant contact with people who would encourage me and speak into my life on a constant basis. I guess in a way I am saying my decision for now is to be at Empower Church. I still love Edge and the people there. They have spoken into my life a lot and made me think seriously about my decisions and life choices but I need a small group of people to build my life up and who I could speak into to build them up as I begin to grow and be challenged. Hopefully in a few months Empower might become a big church too here in Adelaide and I would easily be able to juggle both churches again because my responsibilities will be reduced but for now I will keep visiting Edge when I can to catch up with people that know me or that I know and keep contact through social media with those who are in my contact list.

  

I decided to write this blog to procrastinate though because I have a research essay due in a few days and I have to begin writing 2000 words on the state of Creative Writing/ Fiction Writing from an Australian perspective and it's implications on Australian writers. Wish me luck. :D

Changing the subject: 

I recently spoke to a young woman from a different country who I told about things like answers I have received to prayers and the people that I have met that seem so strategically placed in my life and seem to be the right people for the time of my life as I have committed my life to following the direction that God takes me. 

Her response was that people don't come into your life because of God or your commitment to church. It was a harsh response but understandable. She did explain later that God doesn't control every day or second of our lives and I agree. 

What I meant was that as we commit our lives to being more like God in our actions and attitudes, he directs peoples paths, people who are of the same mind or who are looking for the same thing or are going in the same direction so that they end up meeting at a strategic location to be able to do life together. 

In that way, I came to Adelaide and began living in the southern end of the city of Adelaide, but instead of going to the southern campus (which is closer) I still went to the campus in the city where I met a different group of people and grew and got "fed" spiritually and physically as well the way I NEEDED to be filled and grown. 

In the same way God encouraged one of my friends to invite me to a small church that had started up at one of the university campuses in the city and got me introduced to people who were encouraging and empowering. Through that I even got the chance to meet and spend time with and learn from the current leaders of one of the christian movements in Australia WHILE eating curries at an Indian restaurant. 

So yes God doesn't control every second of our lives. That I do appreciate because otherwise I would not have any free will to decide anything for myself and that would make my beliefs null and void because if God controlled everything then all my choices would be predetermined and I wouldn't actually have a choice in the first place. 

On the other hand when we ALLOW God to direct us through the Bible and through people who have also submitted their lives to God to be directed, THEN our lives are in a sense predetermined to the point that God has a plan for where our lives will go and he brings people alongside us to help grow us and build us and prepare us for something much more than what we could imagine. 

Anyway, that's it for now. Signing off. 

Vman

Beauty in the Pain

Today I got to spend some time at Hallet Cove Conservation park on the south side of Adelaide. It's a beautiful place that I'd recommend you visit when any of you decide to visit South Australia.
While there I saw some beautiful rock formations as well as a wild and rough ocean. Though scientists claim it was created over millions of years (I have no way of confirming or denying this hypothesis) but I do believe that it was a place created in the mind of God and then formed so that we could enjoy its beauty.
The way this rocks were formed was through glacial activity over many years, tidal activity and also by human intervention. Did God use all these processes in his creative process? Yes.

Just like Jackson Pollock created masterpieces by scattering and spreading paint, God created this this beautiful area by scattering rock, ice and water along the western coast to create His masterpiece. The only difference was God knew before its time how each rock, block of ice and each drop of rain will affect the landscape. He saw the masterpiece I see today even before I saw it ever before he began creating it.

In the same way our lives are his creation. he knew us before we were even formed, before our parents even thought of doing the deed, or for some of us, buying the test tube. But he saw the end result. He sees us as we are now even from back then. Yes I said SEES (present tense). He sees us in the future we live in from back then before we were born or created. The All knowing God I believe in can do that. Kinda like Dr Who but cooler. :D

Now the masterpiece of our lives may not be complete yet but when God looks at it even now, He says "It is good" because He the perfect God created it. But he also knows what the final masterpiece looks like and is anticipating when at the end of time we will be revealed as God's perfect creation.

You may now be thinking, "What about now? If perfection comes at the end, what does he see now? Is my life really worth the effort if all it's about is the final product? what do I do?"
Lots of questions, my suggestion, "Live Life".

He is the painter creating his masterpiece. he looks at you every morning and he sees every imperfection, every blotch, every smear and still thinks you are perfect. For me, Jesus is the one who makes me perfect to God. I can never be perfect but Jesus who was fully God, fully human, fully perfect and he through a whole lot of theological principles, which I won't go into here, fills in my imperfections so God always sees the final, perfect product.

Now don't get me wrong, PEOPLE will see the imperfections. They will notice the blotches, the scars, the bags under the eyes, the broken promises, the missed opportunities, the pain, the agony, the fear. They will critique and give their opinion. They may call you names just as I on occasionally have found myself doing to others and even to myself.

But it takes a daily reminder that we are seen as perfect. "The Scream" to me is one of the scariest paintings I have seen. Someday I wish to see the real thing. It is a reflection of a man screaming, either in pain or fear or replusion or desperation. He screams a blood curdling scream in the twilight, but no one can help him, no one can rescue him. They can only watch him as he screams an eternal scream through the ages. Yet we know, this very painting that brings fear, and to some, the motherly instinct to protect, was once looked upon by the artist who at the end of painting it said "It is good".

In our lives, we should let them critique, let them stare at the deformity and the imperfection. Some would see the real beauty in you as I see in "The Scream". Others would ignore the beauty and only see the pain and ugliness. But always remember, God sees you as beautiful. A monument to His creative genius.

The Cost Of Friendship

Human friendship is so intertwined and interconnected and complicated. It can make life bearable, or amazing, or ecstatic. Having those special people to share life with is a blessing no human should go without. It's a part of the human experience that gives it a sense of meaning. But... it involves a lot of hard work to maintain.

A friendship requires constant contact. This is to I once had required me to get a second phone to be able to contact her when I needed to and avoid high charges for overseas calls and texts. I wanted to keep in contact with her but to do that I had to get a new number with a new provider to be able to contact her. Sounds expensive? It was. But I felt it was worth it to build a friendship I placed a high value on.

When you place value on a friendship it requires a sacrifice. Sometimes doing things that you don't like doing just because it means spending time with someone to add to your life or to add to their life or both investing and adding to each others lives. Sometimes it might mean traveling across this great planet just to be by their side to help them celebrate a victory or mourn a loss or just to be with them. Sometimes it requires watching a soppy romantic love story on television when all you want to do is go and watch a gory blood fest at the movies.

It is a strange thing to have friends. You can't live with them, you can't live without them. It brings a bond that creates life and hope. But when it breaks it can cause heartbreak and destroys bonds all around it.

Recently I had such an experience where a friendship came to an end due to a difference in definitions. To them friendship just meant minimal contact and a deliberate removal of personal information from all communication. To me this seemed more like the definition of an acquaintance so we decided it best we go our separate ways.

It's not till now (4 weeks later) that I have come to realize the implications of this one friendship. Some of my closest friends have had to split their time between the two of us due to their commitment to both. I have also had to voluntarily break contact with several other friends who I had shared many an experience with due to the fact they were very close to her and her family. I still find myself checking my phone for that random text message I used to get for 3 whole years but none comes.

friendship is important. It is good to cultivate such close bonds because we cannot live our lives with just the ones we barely know. But we need to always remember that with friendship, there is ALWAYS a cost.

If you DON'T have friends, you don't have someone to share life with, no-one to speak to about life's struggles, no-one to enjoy life's victories. I guess that's why in this friendless society, psychologists and psychiatrists are so popular(?).

If you DO have friends, you have someone to share life with but sometimes you have to do things you don't personally enjoy because you want to spend time with that person. You may even suffer through a lecture about healthy eating because they are passionate about it and you are not (as much). But then who knows, you may learn a thing or two. :D

If the friendship breaks apart the cost is the widespread destruction that one broken friendship can cause. The other friendships that are compromised, the memories that are destroyed, the hopes and dreams that are given up on.

Here's what I am saying. Whatever you decide about the friendships you have, keep being great friends to the ones you have, make news ones every chance you get, BUT.....always remember THERE IS ALWAYS A COST.